Last week, I made an unpopular decision at work. I was designing the milestones for a complex program, which required us to change the typical tools we use to track and measure success. I knew that as a program’s complexity grew, the standard tools for simple projects would fail. A cookie-cutter approach works for most, but this project was different. I pushed for changes, but my teams resisted. I risked losing their trust, forcing overloaded leaders to redefine success, and making the teams learn a new system while still meeting their delivery goals. It felt like too much.
The decision consumed me. My brain became a golden retriever spotting a squirrel. I lost sleep listening to the dog barking, running back and forth, and knocking down lamps. I was unraveling.
I journaled for pages, returning to one question: what if the solution to this mental chaos isn’t action, but a change in my thinking? A little research led me to an idea. I learned about Affect Labeling, a psychological concept for “Naming the feeling”, as a way to quiet the barking dog.
I shouldn’t have been losing sleep over this, but I was. The program change would work, but my teams’ support was critical. I couldn’t do the work of four teams. This situation strained my relationships, and I worried about my coworkers’ reaction to the unpopular decision.
The study I read broke down this concept into four steps. Step One is to notice the problem thoughts and physical tension. Step Two is to find the best word to describe it. Acknowledge the problem: Move beyond “bad.” Be specific: frustrated, lonely, or feeling inadequate. The more personal the label, the better.
I trivialized this, labeling it only as “grumpy”. And the dog kept barking! My brain was still on overdrive every night. I lost sleep, waking up groggy and irritable. I continued refining the description in my journal until I identified the core issue: I was anxious about losing my coworkers’ trust.
When we put an emotion into words, we activate the thinking and language part of our brain. This action draws power away from the alarm center, slowing it and allowing us to regain control of our thoughts. A landmark study by Lieberman et al., published in Psychological Science (2007), isolated this exact pathway: naming an emotion activates the logic center of our brain, which signals the alarm center to calm down. Using language is a powerful way to manage our feelings; we don’t need to fix the problem immediately. We only need to name the feeling.
Step Three: Accept the feeling without judging it. I struggled here. I had to focus on mindfulness, accepting the feeling without getting angry at myself for it. The emotion is only information about what is happening. Step Four is to write it down. Put the words on paper. This is where I finally broke through. I wrote about what losing my team’s trust meant to me.
The dog doesn’t stop barking instantly, but the sound shifts from an uncontrolled yell to a manageable whine. I realized I didn’t have to fix the dog; I just needed to name the feeling.
This might sound too easy. Can naming a feeling really solve the problem? To understand, we must look at the science of when this tool doesn’t work.
First, naming your feelings is not a magic solution. Behavioral studies show a limitation: under extreme stress, such as a panic attack or severe long-term anxiety, the thinking part of the brain can shut down. When stress levels are that high, a person physically can’t find the words to label the feeling. In those moments, cognitive tools fail; physical methods, like focusing on breath, are needed to calm down.
Also, this isn’t about faking happiness or pretending everything is great. If a deadline worries someone, naming the worry won’t finish the project.
Instead, naming feelings removes the heavy emotional weight. It takes the confusing cloud of worry and turns it into clear, manageable information. Once the alarm is quiet, a person can look around and decide what to do next. One regains the ability to think and plan, moving from blind reaction to strategic planning.
I have improved significantly at this four-step process. It is becoming automatic. My daily journaling practice is the tool I use. The anxiety is still there, but I lift the emotional weight of the feeling. I have regained my ability to think and plan, shifting from blind reaction to strategic action.
The barking dog is still there, but I see it clearly now (and I get some sleep). I have become more mindful. The dog is now a part of the landscape, not the master of the living room.
Ultimately, the unpopular decision I made proved successful. The frantic golden retriever (my mental state) seldom reacts now. It is not about silencing the noise entirely, but about control. You can’t always stop the dog from barking at the squirrel, but you can learn to calm the dog down before it tears up the living room.
I’d like to challenge you to try this process. Here are the four steps again:
Step One: Notice when the problem thoughts start. Pay attention to your physical and mental reaction.
Step Two: Find the best word. Move beyond “bad.” Be specific. Are you frustrated, lonely, or feeling inadequate? The more personal the words, the quicker your brain calms down.
Step Three: Accept the feeling without judging it. Don’t get angry at yourself for the reaction. The emotion is only information about what is happening.
Step Four: Write it down. Put the words on paper. Simple sentences like “I am stressed about this deadline” or “I feel frustrated by this talk” work perfectly.
